“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

As I have written about, posted online about, taught, and discussed Proverbs 22:6, the biggest response by far involves the word exceptions. It is usually asked or stated in one of these ways:

“What about families who are amazing but have wayward children?” 

“What about Adam and Eve who had one son who murdered their other son?”

“What about Jacob and Esau?”

“What about David, a man after God’s own heart, whose son Solomon ruined the kingdom?”

“How do you explain Pastor _____ whose daughter is a rebel?”

“Are you saying that Proverbs 22:6 is a promise with a guaranteed outcome and that there are no exceptions?”

“I personally don’t believe this verse works for everybody.”

“I don’t think this verse means what it seems to be saying.”

So do I believe there are exceptions – cases where there was training but the kids most definitely did depart from it?

Consider this very carefully, but please don’t stop reading.  In Proverbs 22:6 there are NO exceptions listed.  I mean that literally.  The verse does not mention them nor make allowance for them. Why do you suppose that is? I think it is because it is neither the point of the verse nor the focus of the truth being taught.  The focus of the verse is that parents are to train their children in the right way.  The truth taught here is that training works and is designed by God to impact our children’s appetites and adulthood. I have written about that HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE and HERE – if you care to read more.  

But wait!  Aren’t there wayward children from good families?  Of course there are. They are just not mentioned at all in this verse, because (and I believe this) God’s desire is that all of us will, to paraphrase a bit, “train up our children in the way they should go so that when they are old they will still be going that way.”  It is a lofty and Biblical goal. On the one hand, it frightens me that God would hand that kind of responsibility to me!  On the other, it encourages me that God apparently believes it can be done. 

Although I will talk about “exceptions” below, I would gently suggest that since there are no exceptions in the verse, we should be wary of undermining the truth it contains. Most online posts regarding Proverbs 22:6 are about exceptions.  Many sermons are as well.  While there is certainly a need to get help when adult children aren’t well, Proverbs 22:6 is not that place.  It is surprisingly rare to hear a teacher speak of this verse and simply focus on the truth it contains. Rather, the truth it contains is quite often given a back seat!  When I speak and teach on the verse I want to focus on the wonderful truth that was given to us by Solomon, instead of focusing on the exceptions. I hope that makes sense!

But why do some families have wayward children?  I believe there are at least four primary answers to this question:

1. There could certainly be a failure in training.  

This can seem hurtful to say, but I don’t intend it to be. I am just attempting to make an honest observation of a possibility. After all, isn’t it true that ALL OF US FAIL in one way or the other?  The Bible even mentions such failure when it discusses some families.  Eli’s sons did not do right, and the Bible explains that it was because he did not restrain them (1 Samuel 3:13). David’s son Amnon raped his half-sister and David did nothing about it.  Absalom murdered Amnon for what he did and David did not correct that either.  In reference to his son Adonijah, we are told that David “had not displeased him at any time” (1 Kings 1:6).  David apparently did try to train Solomon (Solomon mentions that training in Proverbs) and yet Solomon failed in the same way that David did – in the way he handled women.  Consider the story of Jacob. He was a rather obvious failure – as a man, as a son, as a brother, as a son-in-law, and as a dad.  He had four wives who often took the lead in his decisions.  He chose favorites and did so publicly.  No wonder so many of his children struggled so badly. The point is — there could simply be a failure in training that negatively influences a child in adulthood.

2. There could be any number of wrong influences that undermined parental training. 

Wrong friends can lead a young person in a very wrong direction, often times secretly (see Proverbs 13:20 ). Any number of worldly influences can do the same.  The internet with all its privacy and secrecy is a huge influence in our culture and many times parents are completely unaware of what it is doing to the hearts and the direction of their children.  This is a huge challenge for all of us who are raising families.  Even the influences of coaches, peers, teachers and teammates on a ball team or  in a homeschool co-op, Christian academy, or public school can negatively impact our children and undermine our training.  We must continually be on guard.  Wrong influences can certainly be a reason for the “exceptions.”

3. Adult children can make wrong decisions that lead to very negative consequences. 

This one probably needs no explanation.  A small step in a wrong direction can, if not dealt with, lead one in a very wrong direction over a course of time.  While it can easily happen, I also believe that if we have trained our children well, God will use that training and the Word they have been taught (Deuteronomy 6:6-7) to continue His work in their lives. He is a really good, good Father in that way! 

4. Adult children can be attacked by Satan. 

Satan will often use the events of life to hurt our relationship with God and the church. He may sow some seeds of bitterness over a failure or a struggle or an event that is normal in a sin-cursed world (a death, a disease, or an accident, for instance). As all of us know, the events of life can be brutal in a world like ours and our enemy is a master at using them in His attempt to steal, kill, and destroy (cf. John 10:10).  

So what do we do when our adult children are not going in the right direction? The reasons can vary, but there are answers.  Here are a few:

1. Be humble and honest.  

We must be humble enough to at least examine our lives to see if in fact we have failed in an area of training. We should be willing to do this for two reasons.  One, if we have other children who are being trained, we may be able to make a “course correction” and help them to “turn out” differently.  The other reason is that we may need to acknowledge a failure in order to repair a broken relationship and in order to perhaps help direct our adult children back to where they need to be.  We don’t, however, need to live in self-condemnation and we don’t need to “beat ourselves up.”  Humility and honesty are always a good thing. We learn and grow as a result. And we discover that God really does “give grace unto the humble” (James 4:6).

2. Pray. 

Do so fervently, frequently, and in faith!  Set a timer each day and spend a few minutes on your knees asking God to work in your son or daughter’s heart.  Tell others about your burden and pray together with them. We are to bear one anothers burdens (Galatians 6:2) and none of us need to carry such a burden by ouselves.  Perhaps schedule a weekly or monthly time to pray together.  If you are praying, God is working.  So keep praying even if it feels hopeless.  Your prayers may very well be the best thing going in your son or daughters life.  Pray, pray, pray.

3. Love.  

Always love.  Say it.  Text it.  Show it. Celebrate birthdays. Celebrate Christmas.  Love can be honest. While it is entirely okay to express your disagreements (do so gently and with a quiet voice), it is just as okay to assure of your love. My late father-in-law would say, “I love you. I always have. I always will.”  Even if your child turns against you and refuses to have a relationship, don’t stop loving them and don’t stop showing it in every way that you can.  Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8).

4. Keep the doors of communication open. 

Talk. Talk. Talk. Have meals together (and request mutual respect regarding differences or negative situations).  Schedule events in order to build a relationship or to keep the doors open to one.  As often as possible, spend time together and schedule time together. Share blessings and talk about events you are enjoying.  Express gratitude to God.  After all, it is his goodness that leads one to repentance (Romans 2:4).

Bethlie and I regularly encourage, love on, and pray with people who are hurting over their adult children. We don’t judge or criticize families that are broken and hurting. None of us should do that! Please reach out if we can pray for you. I promise you we will.  While I never want to undermine the simple truth taught in Proverbs 22:6, neither do I want to hurt parents who are already hurting.  

So what do you think? I would love to hear your thoughts.

As always, thanks for reading.

Your sincere friend,

Dave Young